By Katie Rasmussen
If I could take one piece of advice that was given to me and pass it along to every parent out there it would be that the language you choose can bring peace to your home or it can ignite control battles. By that I mean two sentences that essentially sound the same can have completely different affects/outcomes. Read these two examples; "Please sit down. We're going to eat now" and "we will eat as soon as you are seated." Does one sound better? Which do you think will have the more positive result? In the first sentence, "please" was used, and the parent was asking the child to do something politely. However, the first example is a directive, and when children are given directives they tend to challenge more, causing control battles to occur.
In the second sentence the parent is putting the desired action to be taken on the child, they know as soon as they sit down, they get to eat. This is the beauty of Love & Logic, an educational philosophy developed by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay, to teach children responsibility and independence in a peaceful, fearless manner.
When a statement is said like "clean your room so we can go shopping," a child will contemplate that and feel a little defensive because they are being told to do something. Whether it's a good or bad option, they still have to choose if they like what's being presented how they are going to respond. Another option would be to say something like "I am happy to take you chopping as soon as you clean your room." The child hears an option that sounds more positive because the word "happy" was used, and she is more inclined to get moving and clean that room.
Now play out that situation a bit and imagine the child starts cleaning, but gets distracted by some drawings they found. She decides to sit down and create more artwork, an hour goes by. The child remembers going shopping and now the store closes in 15 minutes. She says "Mom! We gotta go now, the store is closing!" Mom has a few options here, a triggered response might sound like, "I told you as soon as you clean your room we'd go, but your room isn't clean, is it?" When a kid hears those first 3 words of "I told you..." she flips into defensive mode and might start the "but, but, but" scheme, which could initiate a long battle with mom. A more successful approach for mom might be to say "I am happy to take you shopping when your room is clean, if the store is closed when your room is clean, we can go tomorrow." It's matter of fact, nothing changed from what she said the first time, and it puts the responsibility on the child. It should now be very clear that mom will be HAPPY to go shopping when the room is clean.
I encourage all parents to read Parenting With Love & Logic just to learn the buzz words and practice the language if for no other reason. Love & Logic can change your home and bring peace to a place where battles once existed.
Please check out http://www.loveandlogic.com to learn more.
Katie Rasmussen is a writer for http://www.fitmom3.com
She is a mother of 3 boys who struggled with weight and fitness and has found support through friends. After completing 4 marathons, 3 1/2 marathons, 2 1/2 Ironmans, 6 triathlons, and 1 century bike ride, Katie is committed to helping other moms believe in themselves and find the strength within to be a fit mom!
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